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@22.0920-0903.09 Atx init
@24.0220-0849.44Atx
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Dear Marla,
The “Grind” (always capitalized) is the reluctance to putting my suit back on right after my shower or keeping it on, hour after hour, day in and day out, even when my body or mind are not so inclined. The Grind is my biggest enemy because it works directly against my mantra of “wear as much Rubber as possible…”.
The Grind is all about Perserverance and Persistence.
Many times, when I am too hot, too exhausted, or have been too fucking horny and/or enclosed for entirely too fucking long I feel like my cup is full. I reach a point of weariness, exhaustion and boredom. I just plain do not want to be in latex any more — at least not for a few hours or maybe a few years. I WANT OUT! I'm Done. I've had enough! Fine'. Kaput!
I take everything off and jump into the shower. It feels marvelous! My skin sings that it can breathe again but also makes me feel a magnitude of order more exposed to the open air. I feel vulnerable. I can move and see freely. My breathing is not restricted. Yikes! I can even talk because there is no gag or anything covering my mouth nor dildoes locked into my lower holes with a steel chastity belt. I also don't miss the weight of the Swedish collar and cuffs.
I am back in the world of "Aerobia”. It means “air”. You know.... like aerobic exercises. Lots of breathing and air.
My skin has been invigorated by the shower and exposure to the delicious nitrogen and oxygen of the atmosphere. It is no longer incarcerated in Anaerobia, the airless prision of my latex suits that is such a big part of my life. (*anaerobia is the opposite of "aerobia"*. It means,"No air"). I don’t even want to think about rubber or any of that.
Now and then I catch myself tending to spend more time in the shower than I need to because I really, really, really don't want to put my latex skinsuit back on.
But I have to.
You see, there is a very strong incentive for me to put it back on.
Hours in nakedness earn “anti-HITEz”. I'm allowed two hours a day for hygiene in Aerobia without penalty. Theoretically, that's enough for two showers a day. However, any thing more than that *costs* me HITEz.
Positive HITEz are hard enough to come by; negative HITEz are a real Bitch! It's when I don't meet my Quota (Qz) at the end of the month that I dread. That means a month in a chastity belt with no latex and no escape.
HITEz are precious! If I don't put my suit back on in time, I'll have to endure some Ordeal later on to "pay" for it. The most important number in my life is 720, which is the number of hours in a (30 day) month.
So, why do I still just put the suit back on?
It is all part of the challenge of climbing Fetish Mountain. The only way to earn my Quota (Qz) is to put the damn suit back on and keep it on, even if I have had enough of it. It is about the only sane way I can stay on top of meeting Quota (Qz). I have to put the suit back on!
I should strive to have, say, around 650z by the the end of the third week. Then I can relax some in the final week. A nice thing is that any surplus I may have earned over and above the 720z minimum is doubled and then added to the next month. There is a lot of incentive to do this! If I push hard in the final weeks of a month, I may earn enough surplus to take a few days off next month.
When you think about it, HITEz are just like money that I either earn or burn and my Quota is like the rent due at the end of the month. If I don't pay the full amount (i.e. 720z) at the end of the month, I am 'evicted' from my latex for all of the next month.
The 'Eviction' was Lorraine's idea. She suggested I keep all of my garments and toys in the closet in my room. She had James mount a padlock and hasp on it's door. As she prefers not to be a keyholder, during Eviction months, the key would be put in a timed lock box set for 720 hours. The key to the chastity belt is also put in the lockbox. There is an 'emergency' key to the lockbox which Jame's lawyer in Thorpton retains. (Thorpton is almost an hour's drive from here. They will mail the key if James or Lorraine instructs them to.)
The alternative are either recoup the deficit in the final days of the month with a bunch of diabolical “Mirinda” Ordeals or to fall into an entire month of 'tortured abstinence". That means a whole month of no rubber at all! Naked! The only exception is that I may wear my latex apron. Furthermore, I am to wear a chasti-stim belt the whole damn time. Diabolically, I am allowed to orgasm as often as I want (it I can), but each one adds -10z demerits to the next month.
I have to put the damn suit back on and keep it on.
Even though I have fantasized about doing it since childhood, I know that it is simply not feasible to be 100% enclosed 100% of the time. I must have showers and an occasional break. My body becomes tired of being occluded from the air.
The Big Problem is that for each minute I am out of rubber, I am losing HITEz and will fail to meet my “hard” Quota (Qz) of 720z per month.
There are only two ways to earn “extra” HITEz to overcome a HITEz deficit.
One is to simply wear more garments. Each layer earns HITEz independently of the others. This means if I wear two 80% coverage catsuits for one hour, it will earn (2 layers x 80% coverage each x1 hrs =) 1.60 ptz for that hour. So, if wear as many layers as possible I can take showers and breaks and still meet my Quota (Qz).
But even additional layers may not be enough to catch up if there have been a lot of breaks. Toward the end of the month I often need to submit to often strenuous sessions of BDSM to earn big chunks of HITEz in order to meet Quota (Qz) by the end of the month.
I call these sessions “Special_Ordeals” and I actually keep a ‘catalog’ of them. Each item prescribes a specific scenario. There are some defining characteristics
BIG CHUNKS: A Special Ordeal must earn a minimum of 10z for the 1st hour, twice that for the 2nd hr and so on. E.g., if I can stick with a Special Ordeal for 3 hours I can pick up 60z! Note that the HITEz values for each hour may vary. An extremely strenuous or challenging Ordeal may earn, say, 30z in the first hour. These details are described in the Ordeal Catalog.
COMMITMENT: At the beginning of a chosen Ordeal I must commit to enduring it for a specific minimum number of hours. This is my “program”.
FORFEITURE: If I fail to meet the program commitment, I forfeit all HITEz I would have earned PLUS I also lose that many from my previous balance. E.g. if I commit to 3 hrs and then fail at 2:45, I lose the 60z I would have earned PLUS I lose another 60z. This provides a LOT of incentive to finish what I start!
If I fail to meet Quota (Qz) for the month these things happen:
I have instructed James to donate my paycheck for the month to the humane society. If I fail Quota (Qz), I don’t get paid.
Any deficit (or surplus) *is doubled* and added to next month’s Quota (Qz) requirement.
For the entire month I must wear my “penance burqa” at all times including when I sleep.
This protocol is very challenging and is certainly penance for not meeting Quota (Qz). I am in the heavy burqa at all times. Tightly fitting locking steel waist belt, steel cuffs and steel collar make it impossible to remove. I put the keys into a timed lockbox set to open at the end of the month. I will not be taking this off before then!
I am allowed to bathe above the waist only once per week. This consists of sneaking a hose up under the belt to squirt water on my boobs, back, etc. It’s messy and not very effective. After a few days strong body odors waft up into the hood and constantly remind me that I fucked up by not meeting Quota (Qz). There is a small window of clear latex at my cleavage which allows me (and James) to see the level of steaminess inside the burqa.
I may unzip the mouth and remove the gag only when in my apartment, sleeping or in 15 minute increment when James needs me to be able to converse. I’m also required to wear the outer veil down over my face all of the time except when in my apartment or for short periods when my task at hand legitimately requires better vision.
A chastity belt
The only alternative is to earn big gobs of supplemental HITEz doing other things.
Like Ordeals.
Ordeals are challenging situations and It is an act of devotion. (Internal slavery)
I.S. It is a total submission to my fetish in an effort to experience it in its fullest manifestation. I.e. a deliberate choice of internal slavery, which encompasses not only my body but my heart and mind, as well. This is all about willful, deliberate surrendering. It’s not just allowing the fetish to become a significant influence over my life for a while, but actually inviting it to fully embrace me as deeply and completely as possible.